Do you also struggle with ending cycles or walking away from ~potentially~ toxic situations just for the sake of “but I committed to seeing this through in the past”?
Well, if much like me you have abandonment issues do, here’s a tip I’m learning to use: REFRAME who you are committing to. This is YOUR “stick with it” energy, so you can 100% decide where to use it, don’t forget!
| For context, I’m a graduated psychologist working in corporate roles for the past 13 years and specifically tech for the past 5years.
Example: I have been through a hiring process not long ago, involving case study presentation and over 5 interviews/calls. By the time I received the proposal I had a clear idea of what the role was and felt fully committed to tackling the challenges and finding solutions for the team and wider company. Main flags were the team had been created only 6 months ago as a tentative to close out cross functional gaps between areas + Tech company but not SaaS + start up feels (I won’t go into the increasing expectations built out in a long hiring process, but surely you can imagine).
All in all, it’s been under 7 months and there’s been at least 3 structural changes directly affecting me. This was not mentioned when I signed the agreement nor was calculated into my commitment signing the contract.
Before my 30s, these situations used to fill me with anxiety — constantly trying to predict what was coming next, how it would affect me, and how I could protect myself from it. Sleepless nights, shoulders chasing my ears and this unshakeable feeling I was not allowed to walk away (in this case I didn’t allow myself). I already felt so lucky they chose me for the role, amongst the other dozens of candidates! (tao xovenzinha rs) I would convince myself “it will get better eventually” and double down my commitment to see better days. I’d think “if I stay committed in staying resilient even with a bunch of decisions I didn’t make, I’ll be able to push through the challenges and achieve something awesome for them and with them”, when in reality I was exhausted of keeping up with the downstream of bad choices. I was confusing resilience with being complacent and had nightmares about the business as if it was mine, after all that was my commitment to them because they picked me.
Reframing it
After not working in the corporate world for over 1 year during the lockdown and having been made redundant twice after yeeeears of commitment + buying the “we’re a family” culture, something inside shifted. Almost as the opposite energy from the feeling I had of not being allowed to walk away from a bad work environment, now the commitment to my sanity and wellbeing is part of my non-negotiable values.
Being able to step back and re-think career pathways gave me a new understanding of how I was willing to commit and with what. Working with psychotherapy? “Message me whenever you need, I’m here!” Back to corporate? “Muting all my apps from 5:30pm to 8am, please don’t expect any replies outside business hours.” For me, they are both work, but my commitment with each is tremendously different because the values I’m committed with are applied.
Here’s my commitment shift from being in corporate living with chaos and chatbots: “There are a lot of changes happening, and it’s only natural that my role will be affected. I know how to face chaos and uncertainty and I’ve done it before. But if I step back, the clarity is simple: if I’m committed to closing cross functional gaps, the current changes around me won’t change that. However, if the work being demanded stops aligning with what motivates me or with a genuine commitment to people’s wellbeing (one of my non-negotiable values) — then maybe it’s time to look for a place where my values and reality are closer together.” This feels lighter, empowering and I like to think it validates our worthiness too.
So this is what I’m realising… it’s not the sense of commitment that makes us stay in places we should leave. What seems to keep us in the same place might be the belief we can control and get something out of it, maybe to then be able to justify why we were doing it in the first place? Or maybe it’s your belief that to get any rewards you must go through suffering? I’m not sure why you do it, I know why I did it… And, for me, the main thing is to keep in check what is the actual cost this (or any) commitment has in all other spheres of your life.
Bell Hooks wrote in Teaching to Transgress that we must be “actively committed to a process of self-actualization that promotes [our] own well-being.” She was talking about teaching, but honestly? It applies everywhere. You can’t pour into a role, a team, a company, if the structure around you keeps shifting in ways that pull you further from who you are — not closer. For when that happens, let it go.
Walking away isn’t breaking a promise. It’s keeping the one that actually matters. Your “stick with it” energy is yours. Take it with you. Keep it yours.