Do you also struggle with ending cycles or walking away from ~potentially~ toxic situations just for the sake of “but I committed to seeing this through in the past”?

Well, if much like me you have abandonment issues do, here’s a tip I’m learning to use: REFRAME who you are committing to. This is YOUR “stick with it” energy, so you can 100% decide where to use it, don’t forget!

| For context, I’m a graduated psychologist working in corporate roles for the past 13 years and specifically tech for the past 5years.

Example: I have been through a hiring process not long ago, involving case study presentation and over 5 interviews/calls. By the time I received the proposal I had a clear idea of what the role was and felt fully committed to tackling the challenges and finding solutions for the team and wider company. Main flags were the team had been created only 6 months ago as a tentative to close out cross functional gaps between areas + Tech company but not SaaS + start up feels (I won’t go into the increasing expectations built out in a long hiring process, but surely you can imagine).

All in all, it’s been under 7 months and there’s been at least 3 structural changes directly affecting me. This was not mentioned when I signed the agreement nor was calculated into my commitment signing the contract.

Before my 30s, these situations used to fill me with anxiety — constantly trying to predict what was coming next, how it would affect me, and how I could protect myself from it. Sleepless nights, shoulders chasing my ears and this unshakeable feeling I was not allowed to walk away (in this case I didn’t allow myself). I already felt so lucky they chose me for the role, amongst the other dozens of candidates! (tao xovenzinha rs) I would convince myself “it will get better eventually” and double down my commitment to see better days. I’d think “if I stay committed in staying resilient even with a bunch of decisions I didn’t make, I’ll be able to push through the challenges and achieve something awesome for them and with them”, when in reality I was exhausted of keeping up with the downstream of bad choices. I was confusing resilience with being complacent and had nightmares about the business as if it was mine, after all that was my commitment to them because they picked me.

Reframing it

After not working in the corporate world for over 1 year during the lockdown and having been made redundant twice after yeeeears of commitment + buying the “we’re a family” culture, something inside shifted. Almost as the opposite energy from the feeling I had of not being allowed to walk away from a bad work environment, now the commitment to my sanity and wellbeing is part of my non-negotiable values.

Being able to step back and re-think career pathways gave me a new understanding of how I was willing to commit and with what. Working with psychotherapy? “Message me whenever you need, I’m here!” Back to corporate? “Muting all my apps from 5:30pm to 8am, please don’t expect any replies outside business hours.” For me, they are both work, but my commitment with each is tremendously different because the values I’m committed with are applied.

Here’s my commitment shift from being in corporate living with chaos and chatbots: “There are a lot of changes happening, and it’s only natural that my role will be affected. I know how to face chaos and uncertainty and I’ve done it before. But if I step back, the clarity is simple: if I’m committed to closing cross functional gaps, the current changes around me won’t change that. However, if the work being demanded stops aligning with what motivates me or with a genuine commitment to people’s wellbeing (one of my non-negotiable values) — then maybe it’s time to look for a place where my values and reality are closer together.” This feels lighter, empowering and I like to think it validates our worthiness too.

So this is what I’m realising… it’s not the sense of commitment that makes us stay in places we should leave. What seems to keep us in the same place might be the belief we can control and get something out of it, maybe to then be able to justify why we were doing it in the first place? Or maybe it’s your belief that to get any rewards you must go through suffering? I’m not sure why you do it, I know why I did it… And, for me, the main thing is to keep in check what is the actual cost this (or any) commitment has in all other spheres of your life.

Bell Hooks wrote in Teaching to Transgress that we must be “actively committed to a process of self-actualization that promotes [our] own well-being.” She was talking about teaching, but honestly? It applies everywhere. You can’t pour into a role, a team, a company, if the structure around you keeps shifting in ways that pull you further from who you are — not closer. For when that happens, let it go.

Walking away isn’t breaking a promise. It’s keeping the one that actually matters. Your “stick with it” energy is yours. Take it with you. Keep it yours.

It's too easy for me to fall into the automatic pilot aspect of planning. I mean, there I was with a stable career, had a great group of friends, decent pay, with a degree in psychology and in a somewhat new relationship, but was that it? It just seemed the logical next step was to get out of my parents' place (using the immense privilege I had to save money) and invest in a place for myself. Now my sister was adding the concepts of "satisfaction" and "enjoyment" to my plans and I wasn't sure where to place them - there just wasn't anything clearly hitting the mark. And yet committing to a 30-year-payment-plan seemed normal. WHAT!

I'll leave the details for another time, but through a sequence of different amazing people supporting and pushing me (iykyk), I had the management course paid (official excuse to quit my job and move overseas across the world) on Christmas day 2014, left Brazil on the following February (quarta-feira de cinzas), arrived in Sydney in May and had the best-time-ever exploring India, Thailand and Indonesia in the meantime.

2015 was a life changing year and I was as scared as excited, but mostly open, for whatever was coming my way.

My lifestyle flipped completely from leaving Brazil to arriving in Australia – I went from feeling ready to commit to a 30-year-payment-plan to not even knowing where I would stay the night when arriving at a new destination (also because besides the countries themselves, there wasn't a clear destination plan and it was just me to make any and all calls) – oh the freedom was insane.

The only solid plan I had (which turned out to be an old dream of mine) was to live overseas by myself, study for 6 months, get a new diploma and go back. Except life had different plans and 10 years later I'm not only an Australian citizen but also now have 2 homes across the globe from each other.

How do you prepare for the unexpected?

I couldn't have planned this reality with the references I had back in Rio. I don't even think this lifestyle makes sense to most of my closest friends, and I understand that. Having 2 homes so far from each other is not only tiring (23h+ each way) but takes effort ($) to maintain. On the other hand, being able to connect to a greater purpose in life has been extraordinary, and creating a lifestyle that can hold space for what I want wasn't something I had before.

This is not a coaching profile. I'm not here to tell you what to do and I'm certainly not here pretending I have anything figured out. I'm here to share my ~journey~ with you and hopefully connect to people along the way.

It was pretty hard (was? more like still is) to let go/question the references I built during my first 27 years, but 10 years later and in hindsight, it was only by allowing myself to be removed from all things familiar that I was able to think again about what really made sense for me and what I should keep, and what was learned from others but didn't resonate with me anymore and should be let go. Life is a big “Work In Progress” and I've learnt there's much we can't think or decide without actually moving forward. It's in the movement itself that our pictures start taking shape, our desires become clearer, and our paths reveal themselves. Standing still, we can only imagine a limited future based on what we already know.

Today I don't have an issue letting everyone know how scared I was when routine settled in, but I'm also not worried to say "I've got this" even if that means trying multiple times. The initial freedom of escaping my predictable path eventually gave way to new routines, new challenges, and surprisingly, new dreams - all more aligned to my heart. From weathering a pandemic oceans away from family, to finding and losing a job I loved, to building a relationship that turned my temporary plans permanent - the horrors persist, but so do I ehehehe

Now I know our dreams and goals were never destinations but directions. They point us toward growth, even when the path isn't clear, all we got to do is keep moving. My next chapter isn't about another dramatic upheaval but about deepening the roots I've already planted while keeping my heart open to possibilities I can't yet imagine.

Whether you're contemplating a leap of faith or wondering what comes after your own dream-come-true moment, I hope you'll join me as I navigate this beautiful, messy, unpredictable life across oceans. Because the real adventure isn't just in achieving our dreams—it's in what we become along the way.